The Psychosis Of Young Love
I call it a psychosis because it is contrary to the physical needs and inclinations of most young men in their twenties. I am alluding to my puzzlement about why I was willing to give up my lustful appetite to copulate with the many and settle for just one girl. From an early age while my female counterparts were fantasizing about their prince charming’s love, marriage and children, I was thinking about touching and squeezing the private parts of females, without any interest in their potential as life long mates. In my early years the focus was on female breasts, their size, shape and movement. As I matured my interest in different aspects of the female form also matured as did my lustfulness and fantasy life. Thoughts that occupied a significant part of my waking life and even intruded into my nighttime reveries at times culminating in what are called ” wet dreams”.
So why at an age when most of my education was complete and independence from family financial support was possible, did I give up my life long dream for the many. I know that babies need the stability of a mother. A woman chosen by nature, built in to her monthly egg production and hormonal structure to be the anchor, the one who provides continuity to the growth and development of new life. A job requiring maturity and supported in all cultures by strong mores and dire penalties for any perceived dereliction of maternal duty. This is not to say that the female sex drive is not as strong as a males, it may be, but it is controlled by society in ways protective of children and family. Human populations must have this important work competently done since it effects the future of mankind.
As a young male, on the other hand, I was designed to have relations, fornicate or sleep with many woman with biological ease and without cultural censure. I was like a child, totally self interested when it came to sex with desirable woman and most woman were desirable to me. My interest in having children was intellectual and cultural with little or no biological necessity attached to it. In fact, most woman probably don’t need a man except for, protection, safe sex and financial support while she is raising her child who, by the way, would be competition for her time,attention and affection. The only thing the man could need from his one woman is based on his memories of being mothered and being the center of her attention and affection. This is nice to have, but was certainly not sufficient to give up my imagined, pornographically illustrated life style.
So why did I do it? Maybe on a subconscious level Barbara reminded me of my mother and I was compelled to try to recapture my womb experience and my mothers milk, a need buried deep within my psyche. Or maybe, I simply became obsessed with having her sexually. Or may be, my friends were doing it so I followed along. Maybe, I was lonely and wanted a guaranteed date or reliable housekeeper. There are a lot of may be’s but this is what I think happened. Barbara saw me as the man she wanted as the father of her children, and without knowing it, secreted an invisible chemical agent designed to match the chemical receptors in my body, her intended. The substance, that then in short order, overwhelmed me and created a partial insanity. The psychosis or temporary chemical imbalance was miraculously fashioned to create the delusion, in my obsessed and feverish mind that my most important and overriding goal in life was to be with my beloved. The derangement further created a willingness in me, to sacrifice all other life goals that would interfere with this primary one. Another extraordinary aspect of the Barbara’s secreted substance was that while creating a compulsive effect in making me want her, I was still free to pursue other life objectives without any neurotic or erratic behaviors. After one year of marriage I spontaneously recovered and without any memory of the psychotic experience and from then on struggled with the dichotomy between my libidinous urges and the morality of my contract to be forever faithful to Barbara .
I write this as a very happy man and very thankful that I have been married for 55 years. I love her with a real, deep and enduring passion that has grown over time in a partnership that has overcome many obstacles. I feel fortunate I underwent the psychosis that motivated a relationship that filled my life with opportunities to comprehend, get and give the joy and warmth of love.